Today.

i couldn’t sleep last night. Took medicine to help me sleep and still couldn’t sleep. That awful surgery of a hope removed. But different this time. Not “This is over and you have to let go.” Just “It can’t happen now and you can’t control it and so you have to let it go.” In short: “This needs to begin to matter less to you.”

i was supposed to have breakfast with CJ but i asked if we could make it lunch because i might need to sleep through breakfast to make up for what went missing in the night.

And then this morning i woke up early and i was awake and so we got together. And we had a good meeting. A really good meeting. And we had a good morning, dreaming up something we’re going to build together this year, something deeply personal and yet bigger than us and something that we both believe in to the point that we’re going to roll the dice on it this year.

We had lunch with his daughter Genevieve and my sister Jessica. Genevieve is six and one of my favorite people. She is amazing with her innocence and personality and perspective. i remember her being with us in France when she was 2 or 3 and she was the eye of the storm. She was the one thing that made sense in our house full of dudes and questions. Kids are miracles like that, i suppose.

Jessica is pregnant and it’s so cool to see her with kids because she is going to be the best Mom. It is a gift she has and this little person inside her is going to grow up so very very loved because of it.

And Jess and i worked together at the office all afternoon. No one else was there so it was quiet. i worked on HEAVY AND LIGHT and she worked on all the thousand things she does behind the scenes every day, the things that free me up to dream and allow us to keep going. She is our quiet anchor.

i had dinner with my friend Mark after work. Mark is my all-time best friend. Our Dads were friends before we born so i’ve known Mark since i’ve known anything. We grew up together. We were cowboy kids together. Not actual cowboys, i just mean we lived the adventures that come with being young. For us, it was surfing and chasing crushes and making mistakes and surfing and video games and hours stacked on hours of laughing ‘til it hurt.

There is more at stake now. Mark has a family and life looks different and we both have things we wish were different. And so we spent some time talking about the hard stuff. Spent some time trying to make sense of it and also laughing at the parts that you just simply have to laugh about.

So it’s night again and i’m alone now and i suppose that much of life is a battle for perspective. i have my dream and the ache that comes with waiting, or whatever way you word the absence of a dream. And if i’m not careful, it’s in me just to stare at whatever’s missing, to buy every whispered lie that comes with pain.

But there is much to be thankful for. My parents and my sisters. My friends. My work. i get to do a job that i believe in. i am loved. i am safe and healthy tonight. HEAVY AND LIGHT is this weekend. i watched some of the videos from 2009 and 2010 and they made me really excited for this weekend.

And it crossed my mind that maybe i’m in the perfect place for HEAVY AND LIGHT. There is pain in my life. And there is hope. It’s been a battle for as long as i can remember. There have been seasons rich and bright, and seasons dark and sorrow.

Life is both.

HEAVY AND LIGHT exists to ask people not to give up.

i am a person who struggles.

i am a person who dreams and feels and believes.

Today was a good day. And i will live again tomorrow.