HEAVY AND LIGHT was awesome. The week that followed was not awesome. It was coughing and lonely. Coming home from camp ain’t easy. It’s pretty great being around people you love and doing something you believe in every day. i’ve always struggled with coming home. There’s a lot there but there’s also a lot missing. i talked to my counselor about it today.
Flew to Hartford tonight so as to avoid doing it mega early tomorrow. Speaking in New Hampshire tomorrow night. Steven McMorran is singing. i love doing these events with him. We spend 80% of the time making each other laugh, but when it comes time to do the event, he is incredibly focused. He is a deep deep dude. When he sings, i believe him. UNC Wednesday and it will be so good to see my friend Josh Moore. First time in forever we get to do something together. He is a special guy and one of my favorite voices. New Mexico Thursday (Steven again). i do better on the road. i like being around my friends and their songs. i like the sense of purpose, the day taking second to the night, the laughing when the work is done.
i want to write more. i suppose it comes down to whether or not i really believe it’s okay to be honest. Perhaps this is a step in that direction.
*I started writing this a while back and finally finished it tonight after my dad passed away this morning. So, some of it talks about my dad like he is alive because at the time of writing some of it he was.
My dad has not been in good health for as long as I remember. He owned a Sizzler…
1. Wicked Games - The Weeknd
2. Like Teenage Gravity - Counting Crows
3. Reaching the Potential - A Silent Film
4. No Other - JT Daly
5. All Too Well - Taylor Swift
6. The Fighter - The Fray
7. The Healing - Bloc Party
8. Calm My Soul - Paper Route
9. Be Still - The Fray
10. Born & Raised - John Mayer
11. Montreal - The Weeknd
12. Youth - Daughter
13. Rabbit Hole - The Temper Trap
14. Whiskey, Whiskey, Whiskey - John Mayer
15. Ladders - Lovedrug
16. The Morning - The Weeknd
17. Wing$ - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
18. Red - Taylor Swift
19. Scrapbook - The Rocket Summer
20. My Oh My - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
21. Here With Me - The Killers
22. Lonely Star - The Weeknd
23. Runaways - The Killers
24. The Wind - The Fray
25. Medicine - Daughter
26. This Stage is Your Life - A Silent Film
27. Let Them Feel Your Heartbeat - A Silent Film
28. Fingers Never Bleed - Yeasayer
29. Be Still - The Killers
30. Pink Champagne - Lovedrug
31. Lover of the Light - Mumford & Suns
32. Modern Age - Anberlin
33. Broken Yolk in Western Sky - Benjamin Gibbard
34. Begin Again - Taylor Swift
35. Harbour Lights - A Silent Film
36. Duncan, Where Have You Gone? - Benjamin Gibbard
37. Lucie, Too - Now, Now
38. Come Clean - Tristan Prettyman
39. Unstable - Anberlin
40. A System of Symmetry - Further Seems Forever
41. Old Love - The Rocket Summer
42. The Way It Was - The Killers
43. We’re Still Here - Sleeping at Last
44. Soldiers - The Rocket Summer
45. Magnet - Now, Now
46. Anodyne - Lovedrug
47. Walt Grace’s Submarine Test - John Mayer
48. Wild - Royal Teeth
49. Take a Walk - Passion Pit
50. The Age of Worry - John Mayer
A Silent Film.
“No Light, No Light” - Florence + the Machine (Live, MTV Unplugged)
“Like Teenage Gravity” - Counting Crows
“Here We Are (Chancer)” - Silversun Pickups
“Everyone But You” - The One AM Radio
“Afterlife” - Switchfoot
“Doorway” - Civil Twilight
“Born and Raised” - John Mayer
“Whiskey, Whiskey, Whiskey” - John Mayer
“Mercy” - Counting Crows
“Youth” - JT Daly
“Landscape” (demo) - Florence + the Machine (Live, MTV Unplugged)
“Four White Stallions” - Counting Crows
“No Other” - JT Daly
“Bronte” - Gotye
This is the one lately.
That was his friend’s advice.
“She’s a man. She’s a lion.
You just showed up on a white horse.
She wants a motorcycle.”
He didn’t own a motorcycle.
He had never even been on a motorcycle.
“I’m a mess,” she told him.
“i’m not afraid,” he told her.
You have my attention.
i know you want a motorcycle or you will think you want one for a while.
Well, i don’t have one.
But i have an unusual heart.
And you can have it if you want it.
i couldn’t sleep last night. Took medicine to help me sleep and still couldn’t sleep. That awful surgery of a hope removed. But different this time. Not “This is over and you have to let go.” Just “It can’t happen now and you can’t control it and so you have to let it go.” In short: “This needs to begin to matter less to you.”
i was supposed to have breakfast with CJ but i asked if we could make it lunch because i might need to sleep through breakfast to make up for what went missing in the night.
And then this morning i woke up early and i was awake and so we got together. And we had a good meeting. A really good meeting. And we had a good morning, dreaming up something we’re going to build together this year, something deeply personal and yet bigger than us and something that we both believe in to the point that we’re going to roll the dice on it this year.
We had lunch with his daughter Genevieve and my sister Jessica. Genevieve is six and one of my favorite people. She is amazing with her innocence and personality and perspective. i remember her being with us in France when she was 2 or 3 and she was the eye of the storm. She was the one thing that made sense in our house full of dudes and questions. Kids are miracles like that, i suppose.
Jessica is pregnant and it’s so cool to see her with kids because she is going to be the best Mom. It is a gift she has and this little person inside her is going to grow up so very very loved because of it.
And Jess and i worked together at the office all afternoon. No one else was there so it was quiet. i worked on HEAVY AND LIGHT and she worked on all the thousand things she does behind the scenes every day, the things that free me up to dream and allow us to keep going. She is our quiet anchor.
i had dinner with my friend Mark after work. Mark is my all-time best friend. Our Dads were friends before we born so i’ve known Mark since i’ve known anything. We grew up together. We were cowboy kids together. Not actual cowboys, i just mean we lived the adventures that come with being young. For us, it was surfing and chasing crushes and making mistakes and surfing and video games and hours stacked on hours of laughing ‘til it hurt.
There is more at stake now. Mark has a family and life looks different and we both have things we wish were different. And so we spent some time talking about the hard stuff. Spent some time trying to make sense of it and also laughing at the parts that you just simply have to laugh about.
So it’s night again and i’m alone now and i suppose that much of life is a battle for perspective. i have my dream and the ache that comes with waiting, or whatever way you word the absence of a dream. And if i’m not careful, it’s in me just to stare at whatever’s missing, to buy every whispered lie that comes with pain.
But there is much to be thankful for. My parents and my sisters. My friends. My work. i get to do a job that i believe in. i am loved. i am safe and healthy tonight. HEAVY AND LIGHT is this weekend. i watched some of the videos from 2009 and 2010 and they made me really excited for this weekend.
And it crossed my mind that maybe i’m in the perfect place for HEAVY AND LIGHT. There is pain in my life. And there is hope. It’s been a battle for as long as i can remember. There have been seasons rich and bright, and seasons dark and sorrow.
Life is both.
HEAVY AND LIGHT exists to ask people not to give up.
i am a person who struggles.
i am a person who dreams and feels and believes.
Today was a good day. And i will live again tomorrow.
1. Where I Belong by Switchfoot
2. No One’s Gonna Need You More by The Dangerous Summer
3. Never Let Me Go by Florence & The Machine
4. Simple Math by Manchester Orchestra
5. Beth / Rest by Bon Iver
6. Words in the Water by Thrice
7. Restless by Switchfoot
8. Vice Verses by Switchfoot
9. Calgary by Bon Iver
10. Learning to Love Again by Mat Kearney
11. Only If For A Night by Florence & The Machine
12. Souvenirs by Switchfoot
13. Us Against The World by Coldplay
14. We Found Each Other In The Dark by City & Colour
15. Fade and Then Return by William Fitzsimmons
16. Violin by Amos Lee
17. Hope for Now by City & Colour
18. Pensacola by Manchester Orchestra
19. Family by Noah Gundersen
20. You Are a Tourist by Death Cab for Cutie
21. Better Life by Paper Route
22. A Thousand Years by Christina Perri (i was there when they wrote this!!)
23. Feast of Hearts by The Damnwells
24. In No Time by MuteMath
25. Holocene by Bon Iver
26. I Love You But I Don’t Know What To Say by Ryan Adams
27. Off to Sea by Mariah McManus28. Little Hell by City & Colour
29. Beautiful Girl by William Fitzsimmons
30. Fire by Noah Gundersen
31. The Tide Pulls From the Moon by William Fitzsimmons
32. Shake it Out by Florence & The Machine
33. Changing by The Airborne Toxic Event
34. Work in Progress by The Dangerous Summer
35. Perth by Bon Iver
36. All or Nothing by MuteMath
37. Paradise by Coldplay
38. Locked in the Basement by The Boxer Rebellion
39. Yellow Belly by Thrice
40. Do I Wait by Ryan Adams
42. Dark Horses by Switchfoot
43. Claudia Lewis by M83
Honorable Mention (Loved these but heard them plenty):
1. Set Fire to the Rain by Adele
2. For the First Time by The Script
3. Someone Like You by Adele
4. Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People
1. I Can’t Make You Love Me / Nick of Time by Bon Iver
2. Tryin’ to Throw Your Arms Around The World by The Fray